'GRASSES' (草 / 赋得古原草送别)
by Bai Juyi
Lavishly grows the grass on the plains,
In one year, it withers and prospers again.
Wildfires cannot burn it completely away,
When the spring breeze blows, it comes back to life.
Its distant fragrance invades the ancient paths,
Its bright greenery reaches the ruined town.
Once again, I must see my dear friend depart,
The lush, thriving grass is full of the sorrow of goodbye
When someone dies in a care home, nursing home or hospice - WHAT TO DO
There does not ordinarily need to be an immediate rush for the person to leave. If you would like to spend time with them, tell the staff. You might choose to sit quietly, hold their hand, play music, say prayers, read something meaningful, invite close family or friends to come, bring flowers from their garden or simply be together. Some people want several hours. Others feel that they have already said what they needed to say. There is no particular way this time has to look. There is no need to immediately start making telephone calls unless there is a medical reason to do so.
What happens next will depend on whether the person's death was expected or whether it happened suddenly or unexpectedly.
If you are unsure, the staff caring for the person will guide you through the immediate procedures.
IF THEIR DEATH WAS EXPECTED
You do not need to organise everything immediately
You can usually spend time together
When someone has been living with an illness or condition that means their death was expected, the care home, nursing home or hospice will usually already have plans in place for what should happen when they die.
The staff caring for the person will take responsibility for the immediate clinical procedures. An appropriate healthcare professional will need to verify that the person has died. This simply means formally confirming that death has occurred. If you were not there when the person died, the care home or hospice will usually contact you and explain what happens next.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CARE FOR THEM YOURSELF
For generations, caring for someone did not necessarily end when they died. Before death became increasingly medicalised, families and communities commonly played a much greater part in caring for their own people after death. Washing, dressing and tending to someone could be a final act of love and service. At Gentle Endings, we call this Ceremonial Care of the Body. Following an expected death, subject to availability and the agreement of the care setting, one of our specially trained team can travel to the place where the person has died and undertake Ceremonial Care there with you. There is no need for the person to be brought to a funeral home first. Wherever circumstances allow, we come to you so that their care can take place in the surroundings where they died. You can be as involved as you would like. You may want to take part in caring for the person yourself. You may prefer to sit alongside us and witness their care. You may move between the two. You can change your mind at any point. There is no fundamental right or wrong way to do this.
CEREMONIAL CARE MIGHT INCLUDE
Depending upon what feels appropriate for the person and their family, we can support you to: - wash and care for their body; - anoint them using carefully chosen essential oils; - brush or arrange their hair; - dress or wrap them in something meaningful; - take locks of hair; - take fingerprints; - create hand casts or other keepsakes; - place flowers, letters, photographs or meaningful objects with them; - play music; - share readings, blessings or prayers; - incorporate personal, cultural, spiritual or faith traditions; - or simply spend quiet time caring for them together. Nothing has to be made ceremonial unless you want it to be. For one family, it may simply mean washing someone's hands, brushing their hair and saying a prayer. For another, several members of the family might help to wash and dress the person, take fingerprints and locks of hair, play favourite music and spend a few hours together. And sometimes a family simply wants to sit nearby while we undertake the person's care. You decide what feels right.
A SAFE AND SUPPORTED SPACE
Being close to the body of someone you love after they have died can feel unfamiliar. We will explain what you may see, feel or notice and guide you through anything you choose to do. You will never be expected to touch, wash or participate in anything you are uncomfortable with. You can watch. You can help. You can stop. You can step away and come back. You can cry, laugh, talk, pray, tell stories or sit in silence. There is no performance expected of you and no particular way you are supposed to feel.
HOW LONG DOES CEREMONIAL CARE TAKE?
Ceremonial Care is deliberately unhurried. This is not something we believe should be hurried through or fitted into a prescribed timetable. We allow the time to be led by the person who has died, by what is needed for their care, and by the family and those who have chosen to be present. For some families, the care itself is quiet and simple. For others, there may be time for washing and anointing, dressing, taking fingerprints or locks of hair, creating keepsakes, saying prayers or blessings, playing music, sharing stories, or simply sitting together for a while. There is space to pause. To step away. To make a cup of tea. To gather yourself and return when you are ready. Ceremonial Care will usually take somewhere between one and four hours, although every person, family and situation is different. We do not measure the experience by how quickly it can be completed. Our role is to create a calm, private and supported space in which this final act of care can unfold at the pace that feels right.
HOW MUCH DOES IT CARE
Ceremonial Care is offered subject to the availability of our specialist team. Wherever possible, we will come to you, travelling to the place where the person has died so that their care can take place there, in familiar surroundings and without the need for them to be moved elsewhere first. Our fee includes our travel to the place of death, the time and presence of your practitioner, and their specialist support throughout the Ceremonial Care. Between 9am and 5pm — £380 Outside 9am and 5pm — £620 Before we come, we will take time to talk with you about the person who has died, who would like to be present and what, if anything, you already know you would like to do. We will explain what is possible and agree the arrangements with you beforehand, so you know what to expect. You do not, however, need to have everything decided in advance. Often it is only once we are together that a family begins to understand what feels right. We can take our lead from you as the time unfolds. Ceremonial Care is always an invitation, never an expectation. You do not need a practitioner present in order to sit with someone you love, hold their hand, touch them, pray with them or, where circumstances allow, be involved in their care after death. Our role is simply to make that possibility feel less unfamiliar — to bring experience, reassurance and practical support, and to create the time and space in which you can be as involved, or as quietly present, as feels right for you.
YOU CAN ARRANGE THIS BEFORE SOMEONE DIES
If someone you love is approaching the end of their life, you are very welcome to contact us before they die. You may already know that you would like to be involved in caring for them afterwards, or you may simply want to understand what might be possible. You do not need to have made any decisions before getting in touch. Talking beforehand can give us the opportunity to learn a little about the person - who they are, what matters to them, the people around them, and any wishes, beliefs or traditions that you would like us to be aware of. It also gives you the space to ask questions and explore what you might, or might not, want to be involved with, without having to make those decisions in the first hours of grief. If it feels right, we can make some simple arrangements in advance. Then, when the time comes, you already know who to call and do not have to begin navigating something unfamiliar at one of the most tender moments of your life. Nothing needs to be fixed or prescribed beforehand. What you imagined wanting may feel different when the moment actually comes, and that is completely all right. The arrangements can simply create the space and possibility. When the time comes, we will take our lead from you.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE INVOLVED YOURSELF
For some families, being personally involved in washing, anointing or caring for someone after death can be deeply meaningful. For others, that simply isn't something they want or feel able to do. Both are completely valid. If you would like the reassurance of knowing that someone will come to the place of death and undertake this final care on your behalf, our specialist practitioner can do that too. You do not need to participate or even be present. We can care for the person with the same attention and respect - washing and tending to them, anointing them if wished, dressing or wrapping them, arranging their hair, and incorporating any music, prayers, blessings, rituals or personal details that you have asked us to include. You can tell us beforehand what matters to you and then entrust that care to us. The fee is the same whether you choose to participate, simply be present, or ask us to undertake the Ceremonial Care entirely on your behalf. If it feels right, we can make some simple arrangements in advance. Then, when the time comes, you already know who to call and do not have to begin navigating something unfamiliar at one of the most tender moments of your life. Nothing needs to be fixed or prescribed beforehand. What you imagined wanting may feel different when the moment actually comes, and that is completely all right. The arrangements simply create the space and possibility. When the time comes, we will take our lead from you.
What happens next?
The medical documentation relating to the cause of death will normally be dealt with by the relevant healthcare professionals and Medical Examiner service.
If there is any reason why the cause of death cannot be established, or the circumstances require further investigation, the death may need to be referred to the Coroner.
The care home, nursing home or hospice will explain anything you need to know at this stage.You can then contact your chosen funeral director.
Unless there is a particular reason that the person needs to leave promptly, you can ask the staff not to contact the funeral director until you are ready.
You do not have to use a funeral director
recommended by the care home or hospice.
If the care home instruct a funeral director to take your loved one, you have the right to change this funeral director and have YOUR CHOSEN
funeral director bring your loved one into their care.
The choice belongs to you.
If the death is sudden or unexpected If someone dies unexpectedly in a care home, nursing home or hospice, the process may be different.
The first responsibility of the staff is to respond to the medical situation.
Depending upon the circumstances, this may include calling 999, beginning resuscitation where appropriate, seeking urgent clinical support and following any existing care or resuscitation plan.
A decision that someone should not receive CPR - sometimes recorded as a DNACPR decision - relates specifically to whether cardiopulmonary resuscitation should be attempted.
It does not mean that the person should receive less care.
When a death was not anticipated, or its cause is unclear, staff may need to involve other professionals.
These can include:
- ambulance clinicians;
- a doctor or other healthcare professional;
- the police;
- the Coroner.
The involvement of the police or Coroner does not necessarily mean that anybody believes something suspicious has happened.
Sometimes an unexpected death simply needs further investigation because its cause cannot immediately be established through the normal medical certification process.
Things may feel less within your control for a whileIf the death is referred to the Coroner, there may be things that cannot happen immediately.
The person may need to remain where they are until permission is given for them to be moved, or they may be taken into the Coroner's care.
In some circumstances a post-mortem examination may be required.
You can ask the staff:
- what has happened;
- who has been contacted;
- whether the Coroner has been informed;
- where the person will be taken;
- whether you can spend time with them now;
- when you may be able to spend time with them again;
- who will contact you with further information.