'AN INVITATION'
by Holly Lyon-Hawk
Would you like to know the mysteries of life?
Yes?
Then I invite you on a journey deep into your soul - into stillness and presence.
Be warned: this is not a journey for the faint-hearted. It could be said that it is easier, even safer, to return to the chaos, detachment and distraction of our modern world.
Yet avoiding this moment of sacredness closes the gate to our humanness. For within this liminal space lies an experience in which, nowadays, few will partake: an experience of immense wonder, of the intense and powerful connection we all crave, as well as the pain of what it means to be human.
Before caring for the
Person’s body
If the death was expected, contact the person’s doctor, community nurse, palliative care team or out-of-hours service so that the death can be officially verified. If the person was receiving end-of-life care at home, you may already have been told whom to contact. If you are unsure, you can telephone us and we will help guide you. Once the death has been verified and there is no need for involvement from the coroner, you can begin caring for the person’s body if you would like to. If the death was sudden, unexpected or unexplained, call 999 and follow the instructions you are given. In these circumstances, do not move, wash or change the person’s body and do not remove any medication, tubes or medical equipment. The police, ambulance service or coroner may need the room and the person’s body to remain exactly as they are. You can still remain close, speak to the person, say a prayer or simply sit beside them while you wait, unless the emergency services advise otherwise.
Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body
Care for the body.
Care for the soul.
Care for those who remain.
Our Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body service gives families the opportunity to care for someone they love after an expected death, with experienced support beside them.
We come to the place where the person has died and help create time and space around what happens next.
There is no rush.
There is no set ceremony.
There is no expectation that you must touch
or care for the person’s body.
We can provide all of the physical care while you remain present. We can guide you to participate in some parts of the care, or we can support you to care for the person yourselves.
You may not know what you want until we arrive.
That is perfectly all right.
We will explain what is possible and you can decide in the moment.
What is Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body?
Care for the body. Care for the soul. Care for those who remain. Our Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body service gives families the opportunity to care for someone they love after an expected death, with experienced support beside them. We come to the place where the person has died and help create time and space around what happens next. There is no rush. There is no set ceremony. There is no expectation that you must touch or care for the person’s body. We can provide all of the physical care while you remain present. We can guide you to participate in some parts of the care, or we can support you to care for the person yourselves. You may not know what you want until we arrive. That is perfectly all right. We will explain what is possible and you can decide in the moment.
How we can support you
Depending on your wishes and the circumstances, our care may include: creating a peaceful and sacred space; explaining the natural changes that happen to the body after death; washing and caring for the person’s body; guiding family members who would like to participate; washing or anointing the person’s hands; caring for their face, hair and nails; applying familiar creams, oils or scents; dressing the person in their own clothes; wrapping them in natural white muslin or a chosen shroud; arranging flowers, herbs or meaningful objects; taking locks of hair; creating fingerprints or handprints; creating hand casts where this has been requested and arranged; supporting children and young people to participate; including animal companions where appropriate; prayers, blessings, scripture, poetry or music; Christian, multi-faith, spiritual, secular or nature-based ceremony; time for silence, conversation and shared memories; preparing the person to be transferred into our care; creating a blessing or farewell as the person leaves. Everything is offered. Nothing is imposed. You can change your mind at any time.
You can be involved as much or as
Little as you wish
Some people want to help with every part of the care. Others may want to wash their person’s hands, brush their hair or choose what they will wear. Some people want to offer a prayer, select music, arrange flowers or sit nearby. Others may want us to take care of everything. All of these choices are equally valid. You do not have to prove your love by doing something that does not feel right for you. Equally, you should not be discouraged from being involved because somebody else finds the idea unusual or uncomfortable. This is your person. This is your time. We are there to make your choices possible wherever we can.
The washing of a body after death is an ancient act of care found across faiths, cultures and communities. It can be practical, ceremonial or both. We can wash and care for the person for you, or guide you if you would like to participate. The care is unhurried and respectful. The person remains covered except for the part of the body being cared for. You may want to wash only their hands or face. You may wish to anoint them with oil, apply a familiar moisturiser or use a scent that held meaning for them. You can play music, speak to the person, pray, sing or remain silent. There is no special way that you must behave. We will guide the practical care while leaving the meaning of the moment with you.
Dressing or wrapping the person
You may choose clothes that meant something to the person or that reflect who they were. These might be: favourite everyday clothes; nightwear; formal clothes; religious or ceremonial clothing; a favourite colour; something made by a family member; natural fabrics suitable for a natural burial; clothing chosen by the person before their death. Alternatively, the person can be wrapped in a natural cloth or shroud. We often use white muslin, which can be left simple or made personal with flowers, written messages, ribbons, drawings, blessings or meaningful fabric. Wrapping the body can be a beautiful act of care. It can feel as though we are holding, protecting and preparing the person for the next part of their journey - however that journey is understood.
Creating precious keepsakes
You may wish to create something that preserves a physical connection with the person. This might include: - a lock of hair; - fingerprints; - handprints; - a hand cast; - a piece of fabric; - a written blessing; - a photograph of hands being held; - flowers or herbs used during the care; - a small part of the muslin used to wrap them. There is no obligation to create keepsakes. Some people treasure them immediately. Others put them away and return to them much later. We will explain the options without placing pressure upon you.
A meditation for this time
A ceremony created
Around your person
Ceremony can help us acknowledge that something profound has happened. It can give shape to a moment for which ordinary words may feel inadequate. Your ceremony may include prayer and faith. It may include nature, music, poetry, stories or silence. It may be carefully planned or created naturally around what is happening in the room. You might choose to: - light candles; - offer prayers or blessings; - read scripture or poetry; - share memories; - play meaningful music; - wash or anoint the person; - place flowers around them; - write messages on their shroud; - invite children to bring drawings or letters; - bless each part of the person’s body; - give thanks for their life; - speak words that were difficult to say before; - create a final blessing as they leave. We welcome people of all faiths and none. We will never impose our beliefs upon you. We will listen to what the person believed, what matters to your family and what feels authentic within the room.
Who is this service for?
Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body may be right for you if: - someone you love is approaching the end of their life; - you would like to understand what can happen after death; - you want more time before the person is taken into funeral care; - you would like to participate in washing, dressing or wrapping them; - you want children or animal companions to have an opportunity to say goodbye; - faith, spirituality or ceremony is important to you; - you would like to create fingerprints, locks of hair or other keepsakes; - you want support but do not want control taken away from you; - you are unsure what you want and would like someone experienced beside you. You do not need to be arranging the funeral with Gentle Endings to ask about this service.
When the person
leaves the home
The moment someone leaves home for the final time can be deeply emotional. This is a powerfully symbolic moment and is honoured as such. You may want to walk beside the person. You may want to carry flowers, light a candle, play a particular piece of music or say a blessing at the door. Family members may wish to help carry or guide the stretcher to the private ambulance. Children may want to wave, scatter petals or place a final flower. Animal companions may also be present. Before we take the person out of the building, we must cover their entire body, including their face. We do this by placing our hygienic black cover over them. Please be reassured that this is not a body bag. It is a protective cover used to preserve the person’s dignity and privacy and to allow us to move them safely and professionally. Some people like to place a favourite blanket or shawl over their person before we do this, wrapping them in all their love. For many people, being present for this part can feel overwhelming. You may prefer to take yourself into another room before the person leaves. Whatever feels best for you is right for you. Remember, there is no fundamental right or wrong. We will explain what is happening, give you time and follow your wishes wherever we can. Please be reassured that we will gently, professionally and lovingly care for your person.
When can Supported Ceremonial Care
take place?
Our Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body service is normally available after an expected death, once the death has been officially verified and it has been confirmed that there is no need for police or coroner involvement. The service can take place in the person’s home. With permission, it may also be possible in a care home, hospice or hospital. If a death was sudden, unexpected or unexplained, the person will need to remain exactly as they are while the relevant professionals carry out their work. This means that ceremonial body care may not be possible at that time. If you are unsure, please call us. We will listen to what has happened and explain what may be possible.
How long does it take?
Every person, family and situation is different. A Supported Ceremonial Care of the Body visit will usually last between approximately one - 4 hours, including time to talk before and then afterwards to give space for processing the experience. Sometimes a family wants a simple washing, dressing and blessing. Sometimes several people would like to participate, keepsakes are being created and a fuller ceremony is wanted. We do not rush the care. We also do not make the experience longer or more elaborate than you want it to be. We follow what is needed in the room.
Fees
Office hours, 9.00 am–5.00 pm: £380 Outside office hours: £620 The fee includes our attendance, practical guidance and the time required to provide the agreed care. Specialist materials, hand-casting kits or additional travel may carry a further cost. We will always explain this before proceeding.
You do not have to wait until someone has died to contact us. If someone is approaching the end of their life, we can talk with them and those close to them about what they would like to happen after death. This might include: - who they would like to be present; - whether they would like family members to wash or dress them; - what they would like to wear; whether they would prefer clothing, a shroud or natural muslin; - music, prayers, poetry or readings; - religious, spiritual or cultural practices; - flowers, herbs or sacred oils; whether children or animal companions should be included; - fingerprints, hand casts or locks of hair; - how long the family would like to remain with them; - what should happen when they leave home; - who should be contacted when the death happens. Talking about these things does not bring death closer. It gives the person a voice. It gives families time to understand their choices. And when the moment comes, it can remove some of the uncertainty from an already overwhelming time.
You can telephone us before or after an expected death. You do not need to know what you want. You do not need to have planned a ceremony. You do not need to find the right words before calling. Tell us what has happened and we will begin from there. We will help you understand what needs to happen, what choices you have and how we can support you. Care does not have to end when a person dies. Love can still be expressed through our words, our presence and the final things we are able to do for someone.
CHILDREN & YOUNG PEOPLE
Children and young people are often excluded after someone dies because adults want to protect them. But death can become more frightening when it is hidden, whispered about or when someone they love is suddenly removed from sight. Children can be included with honesty, preparation and choice. THE single most important thing is to help the child feel safe and loved. They need to know that the adults around them are still there, that they will be cared for and that they can ask questions — even the same question many times. As hard and painful as all of this can be, death is part of life. It is as natural as the leaves falling from the trees in autumn. That does not mean it is not sad. It does not mean we will not miss the person or wish they were still here. It simply means that death is not something shameful or frightening that must be hidden away. Before a child enters the room, explain clearly what they may see and feel. You might say: “Their body will be completely still and may feel cooler than it did before. They cannot feel pain now. You can come closer if you want to, but you do not have to. You can leave the room or change your mind at any time. You are safe and you are loved.” A child or young person may want to: - look from the doorway; - sit beside the person; - hold their hand; - draw a picture; - write a letter; - choose a flower; - bring a special object; - brush the person’s hair; - place a blanket over them; - sing or play some music; - say goodnight or goodbye; - leave the room without doing anything. They should never be forced to participate. But they should not automatically be denied the opportunity. Let the child lead. Answer their questions simply and truthfully. If you do not know the answer, it is all right to say so. Children often find their own simple and beautiful ways to say goodbye when they are trusted, prepared and supported. Above all, help them to know: I am safe. I am loved. I am not alone.
You can telephone us before or after an expected death.
You do not need to know what you want.
You do not need to have planned a ceremony.
You do not need to find the right words before calling.
Tell us what has happened and we will begin from there.
We will help you understand what needs to happen, what choices you have and how we can support you.
Care does not have to end when a person dies.
Love can still be expressed through our words, our presence and the final things we are able to do for someone.